November 20, 2006

Season of MY Faith's Perfection

I have been silent for a long while. For very valid reasons. A lot has happened in my life the past months that are worth writing about but I failed to chronicle in my blog and in my journal. I know I will always regret not capturing the raw emotions of the moment. But a part of me is also relieved that I didn't. It's the part that is scared to make permanent the bad memories... many of which STILL grieve my heart. I was on a writing holiday for the longest time... because I was waiting for a "happy ending" to a saga of unfortunate events in my life... but I have come to accept that it will never come. So I write... AGAIN.

I write devoid of unprocessed emotions, but with gained insight. I write because I need to remember the BAD and see the GOOD God brought out of it. I write because I need to see in God's perspective... to make sense of what has become vague. I write to find my faith again.
And indeed I found my faith. Seasoned with heartaches and tears, tempered with joy and dreams, it is STRONGER now. Now, more than ever.
I gained much, yet I lost as much. I choose to press on.
I lost a job...
... with it, I gave up a monthly salary, and therefore financial security. That, and a year's worth of lost credentials in my curriculum vitae.
Yet, I gained much more in the ministry...
... without regular income, I learned to live by faith one day at a time... waiting upon God for my "manna"... Sometimes it comes from Mommy, sometimes from my sisters... other times from someone else (free load, free meal, etc.). And always I am overwhelmed and grateful. It was truly humbling to barely have any cash in my wallet... "DUKHA".
And it was equally humbling to tell everyone that I don't have a job. My sense of worth, attached to my profession and my paycheck suddenly fell apart. I was basically nothing from the world's point of view. Yet the ministry has given me a glimpse of eternity.
All these made my bumhood worthwhile -- ETERNALLY SIGNIFICANT. God has taught me to let go of everything that is fleeting to hold on to what is eternal.
I lost people I dearly love...
... One for his stubborness. Another for his selfishness. One for his pride. And yet another for her lies.
My heart bleeds for them STILL. The season of anger has passed but the season of pain remains... I am letting go... but hopeful that they would find their way back.
Yet, I am thankful for those that remained...
... a promise that "we will remain faithful..."
"There are no more bad days... only days of GRACE - grace to enjoy... and grace to endure."

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