March 11, 2006

messiah complex

Tell me I don't need to fix everything because I KNOW I'm not supposed to. Yet I also know I won't be able to forgive myself if I see everything fall apart because I chose to do nothing.
I give high premium to all my relationships. Too high in fact that sometimes I go overboard in doing everything in my capacity to preserve them. If need be, I would conspire, manipulate, connive, just to ensure that everything is exactly as they should be...
But lately, most of my relationships with other people have been riddled with so much conflicts... and that fact rattled me. The messiah complex in me is itching its way to plot to make things right. So I was on to my devious schemes...
... to my utter disappointment, my well-thought plans most of the time failed. And it drove me to frustration. I cannot accept the fact that I don't have a sense of control in my relationships anymore. ANYMORE? Then again, where did I get the idea that I ever had control or had the right to?
IT'S NOT IN MY HANDS. I need to always be reminded of that. I also need to see that conflicts, though not welcome most of the time, are not necessarily bad. In fact, they are good signifiers that our relationships are actually becoming REAL. That tensions are but challenges that can be surmounted when faced with total honesty and a spirit of love and forgiveness. That I can never make choices for other people, even if it kills me to see them make the wrong ones. That, sometimes, letting go is the best thing to do.
So I choose not to succumb to the call of the messiah in me... because these hands need not fix things... I choose to lift them to a Greater Hand.

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